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Learning To Live Again
July 2001

Well, it has been 5 & 1/2 years since Kevin left us. Though the pain isn't as great, I still miss my son. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him.

It saddens me when I think about him. I don't remember his voice, or his laugh. I sort of do but with time you lose that tiny memory. I look at other kids and wonder what he would look like. Kevin would have been 13 this year. I would give anything to see his smile and hear his voice.

My heart just won't except that he is gone. Sometimes I have dreams that he didn't die in that fire. That he has been hiden away in some hospital. (He had a close casket so there was no real closer for me) Or that God decided to send him back to me after all these years. But before I wake up for some reason God changes his mind and takes him back.

Though you might not think so now, you will get to the point that you learn to live again. But it is a long hard road. Then one day you hear the news, and another parent has lost their child. Your heart goes out to them thinking about what they are going though having been there yourself. Then you think of your child and relive the events to their death and the pain & longing come back again. Wish you could hold your child, see your child, talk to your child.

Then you hear on the news that some nut desides to drown all of her children even chaseing the last one down. And you wonder what kind of person could do that. Your sitting here thinking you'ld give anything in the world to have your child back and people like her don't appreciate what they have. Don't appreciate the gift they were given. Personally I don't think they should let her walk with an insanity plea. And what kind of father would defend his wife after she purposely killed his children? It is a big blow to those of us who have lost our children. I try not to watch the news much, it is just too depressing.

Anyway, just wanted to let ya'll know that I am hanging in there and taking life day by day. I want to thank all that have visited our small corner in this vast cyber world and signing Kevin's guestbook.

I am still willing to listen if you need an ear or shoulder to cry on. But the best advise I can give is to let your feelings out. Whiether you talk to someone (friend, family or professional), write a letter, or build a site like I did, just let those feelings out don't keep them bottled up. And I don't just mean the feelings of saddness. I mean the feelings of guilt, the longing, and the emptiness you feel. When you are finally able to do this that is when your healing will begin. Building Kevin's Memorial site and this Grief site was the best therepy I got. And it really did help me on my way to healing.

Thank you again for stopping and may God bless... Dott

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